"I’m not checking my sexuality at the door. I’m shoving semiotically all of this female sexuality, all of these things that symbolize historically what we are supposed to aspire to. Lipstick, hair, legs, tits. I’m not gonna be masculine even though I’m sort of masculine, I’m very feminine."
Courtney Love (via water-her-rack)
I remember the day I saw the clouds: pink cotton in the sky. And there you were, smudged makeup, teeth wine-stained.
You were standing on the pier in your little red dress and your combat boots. You had canvas backpack slung over your shoulder. I laughed when I saw you. You looked like one of those girls on the internet.
“Hey, girl,” I said strutting up to you confidently.
“What?” I could taste the annoyance in your voice.
“I’m sorry. What’s up?” I didn’t mean to be pushy. I just thought you looked interesting.
“Do I know you?”
“Well, not yet.” I guess you might have thought I was sleazy and making a move on you. Maybe I was.
“Please leave me alone.” You stormed off, your boots clomping with every heavy, sure step you took.
“Hold up! I just want to talk. Can’t we just talk?”
“Well, why would you wanna talk to a complete stranger?”
“I don’t know. I just want to talk to someone.”
“Fuck, I don’t know. I just wanted to talk to someone and you were standing here all alone so, I thought I’d talk to you.”
“I don’t need a friend or anything so, if you could just leave me be, that’d be nice.”
“But I don’t want to really. I want to talk to someone.”
“Well, find someone else. I’m busy.” You walked away and I thought that was that but then, you stopped and turned around. I saw your eyes, a grayish, stormy blue.
“Look, I don’t really want to talk to you but I’m stuck here for another hour and I’ve got nothing better to do.”
A smile spread across my face. You didn’t look too happy, though. Your plump, berry lips pouted even though you came back by choice.
“So, is anything wrong? You don’t look so happy.” I guess that wasn’t the best way for me to start a conversation but I didn’t mean to be rude.
“That’s none of your business. You don’t know me, I’m not sharing.” You were cold, frozen. At the very start, you breathed ice into all the air that surrounded you.
“Okay, what’s your name?”
“Kitty.” It seemed offering even this amount of information was a challenge to you. Maybe it was ‘cause the name didn’t suit you. You sure didn’t seem like just a kitten.
“Okay, I’m Johnny.” I tried to make my voice sound warm. Don’t know how well it worked out.
“That’s a plain name.” You didn’t seem angry when you said this. Not that you sounded happy. You just didn’t sound angry.
“It is indeed but I didn’t pick it so, don’t go blaming me.”
“I guess so.” You slumped as you said this.
“Where you from, Kitty?”
“Right here. I’ve been here all my life.” Your voice had a nice lilt to it. I was charmed by you even if you’d really rather not be talking to me.
“Well, that’s a plain life.” And that’s why you needed to meet me.
“I didn’t pick that.” This was a lie. We both knew it then, it just took you awhile to admit it.
“You didn’t try to get out ever?”
“Well, I tried but what am I supposed to do? I’ve got no money and my marks were never good enough to get me a scholarship.” A horrible excuse.
“That’s a shame. Did you get in anywhere?”
“Yeah, but I couldn’t go. My parents didn’t want to pay.”
“What about financial aid?”
“That’ll just leave me in debt. You go to school?” You really made horrible excuses. You hadn’t learned yet to admit to yourself the mistakes you’d made.
“I did once. I don’t anymore. I’m not really that kind of person.” I guess I hadn’t learned yet either. We were the kind of people who made excuses in those days.
“The school kind?” You saw through me when I said that. We could see through each other in the right way. We had that going for us.
“Yeah, too many rules, too much work.”
“So, you’re really just too lazy?”
“Well, I don’t mind working if it’s for something I love but I didn’t love it.” I could’ve loved it, though. I should have loved it but I didn’t bother trying.
“That’s a shame.” I didn’t know then but you were jealous of me.
“So what do you do now?” You asked me a question first this time. I guess you had before but that was just asking the same question back. I felt a bit of effort with this question.
“That’s my secret.” I held my finger to my lips.
“Okay, you keep it yours.” You pulled out a pack of cigarettes from that backpack on your shoulder and placed a cigarette between your lips.
“Mind if I bum one?”
“I guess not.” You pulled out another smoke and handed it to me.
“Thanks. I have trouble affording them these days.” Well, there was truth in that. I had a pack in my back pocket, though.
“Fuck, FUCK!” I screamed as I looked at the blood trickling down from my kneecap.
I could hear the laughter rolling out all over the asphalt which I’d skated on my knees over one second ago. The neighbours spat at us as we ran past, crazy-eyed youth darting down the streets running from whatever monsters they’d created in their heads.
Those were the days, the days of play, and love, where everything I did was soft as satin, those were the pretend days.
The days before you were so very sweet. The boy before you was so very sweet. His eyes looked like sunflowers and when he winked at me, I felt like I was made of diamonds, and glitter and moondust.
Things fell apart before you, though. You don’t deserve credit for wrecking me, you just made sure I’d never be fixed.
Everything felt so grey. There was no sky that day, just an empty space. I stood there in all the empty space all dressed up and all messed up from work. You were just walking by the pier. You didn’t have to stop for me, you shouldn’t have. I didn’t want you to.
But you strutted over confidently, greasy. Your voice was gruff and assertive. It was like one thousand, dirty, harsh fingers grasping at me and I didn’t want to talk. You knew I didn’t want to talk but you pushed forth.
I’m quite proud of the amount of notes this has (and that shows how unpopular I am) but I’d like to bring it back because I want more people to read it and I also I need it for something and have yet to save it.
I am doing another giveaway! my boss went to taiwain and he always brings back alot of free stuff from the companys we represent
This time i have on offer:
A Nikon D90 with a 18-105mm Lense
(in kit also includes fish eye lense)
also an Acer Iconia windows Tablet (W501)
there are 2 rules to this giveaway
1. you must be following me
2. you must reblog it on your main blog
other than that you can reblog this as many times as you want :)
i will be choosing the winner on September 1st through a random generator
and i will pay for the shipping anywhere!
likes will not be included and you will be disqualified
ohmygod I want this
I’m going to save this when I get on my other computer…